liv...the world through pink lenses

New Stuff!

2004-04-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys!

I just wanted to write this quick one and explain that I have posted 4 new blogs that, whilst (Haha- That's my new favorite word) some of them are a little older, they bring you up to date! So read on... they start chronoligically at the bottom of the page. The first "new" one is called "The Quairang!" Hope you enjoy, and once again... Sorry it took so long!

The Bike Ride- Which brings us to the present!

2004-04-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

Ugg.

Today was a very culturally challenging day. I've been ok with different things and situations up til now, but it just seemed to be flying from all directions today.

It started off well enough. I slept in late (I had the day off, which was nice), got up and had a shower. I had invited my neighbor over for tea, and she came over at about quarter to 11. We hung out and talked for over an hour, and it was really nice to have some one over at the house, rather than me always going out visiting. It was a little overcast this morning, and I was a little disappointed because I wanted to go out for a bike ride. It cleared up, though! So I had a bit of lunch, shot off the rest of the film in my camera so I could get it developed, and then headed out.

Oh Lord. And that's when the madness began. First of all, I would like to say that being on a bike just drills home HOW MUCH I am still not accustomed to which side of the road I should be on. (Dad, don't worry- when you get here, I am fine in a car, so you can still rent one, and I'll tell you where to go!) I can honestly tell you that it is one of the most disorienting things you can do over here. I know that I've been here for almost a month and a half, but being on a little unprotected piece of metal with 2 rings of rubber makes you feel like you've got a big sign strapped to your forhead that says "HIT ME- I'm WIDE open."

Now, add that to the fact that the roads are BARELY two lanes wide. They are so bloody narrow that you can hardly have 2 cars pass each other, let alone try to ride my bike along side them. And then the tourists! My god the TOURISTS!!! I hate them. The don't move for ANYONE, and they are EVERYWHERE. Where do these people COME from? They were diving left and right as I was tearing down the sidewalk and parting then like Moses through the Red Sea.

But where else was I supposed to go? You can't drive on the road. They hit pedestrians here, and there is no fine for it. They figure, Hey, if they're on the road, they're free game (James, you'd LOVE it here). So I'm not safe of the road, I'm swerving to avoid collisions on the side-walk, and I don't even have a helmet (Dad, don't give me the lecture, JM didn't have one!)

So I manage to make it out of town. I figure that I'd like to head up to Staffin Road, which is a beautiful drive that takes you past all my favorite mountains and rivers, and ultimately to Uig, the end of the Island. Umm. No. That didn't happen. The road was all UP, down, UP, down, UP UP UP! And my lungs were KILLING me. I'm still trying to get back into shape here, and I was dying! The fact that the gears on JM's bike kept switching randomly didn't help my pitiful situation either. I'd be in a low gear trying desperately to make it up the hill, and then BAM, 8th gear. BRUTAL.

I don't think the bike was used much, either, because the brakes were in TIP TOP condition. Every time I'd go to pass a driveway, I'd slam on the brakes because I couldn't remember which way the car would be coming out of it. Very disorienting, and dangerous, because I ALMOST flipped over the front end of my bike. I'm serious. I had been picking up a fair bit up speed, and almost went over the handle bars.

I decided to climb one last hill and see if it leveled out. It didn't, so I came back through town again. It really sucks, because I'm not a local, and yet I'm not a tourist, either. I'm sure I looked really dodgy zipping down the street with my bike going Ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK with the gears shifting every 2 seconds, and me motioning with both hands to get people OUT OF my way, while at the same time, damn near crashing because the brakes were too well greased.

BRUTAL. Then I almost couldn't get in because... well... the locks on the doors. That's a whole new story, and I really don't want to discuss it right now. I almost got myself KILLED out there, and now I have to go back into town and pick up my pictures which will be ready any minute. I think I'll change my outfit so no one recognizes me. It was really that bad. I didn't know which way to run.

Anyway, that was my day. I am SO going to take it easy tonight. I think next time I got for a ride, I'll head the other direction- FROM town, with a flatter road. At least until I am in better shape, and have mastered the rules of the road.

Buuuut... It wasn't ALL bad... it was nice to get out and get some fresh air!

Another Old Update, but getting closer!

2004-04-18T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hello, all my Beautiful Friends!

Wow, it's been SOO long since I've written! (Don't even get me started!) I've been working everyday of the week, and while the hours aren't too full, it's intense! Cleaning is SOO underated! I have a new-found respect for maids!

Honestly, I think another reason why I haven't written is, while I HAVE been keeping busy, not a lot has HAPPENED. I've gotten over all the big stuff: plane trip here, jet lag, meeting people, new culture, getting a job... yada yada yada. So now, even though it is STILL so fun and cool, it's just life to me now, and not a lot to report! Buuuut I will try, for those nosy people out there (You know who you are- wink wink).

Ok, so I've already decribed my job to you- what it entails (sp?), and about the people and stuff. There is this girl named Carrie-Ann, the one from Liverpool, and we get along the best! We hung out and went to a movie the other night, and we are hanging out again this weekend. I know I have already told some of you about her, but hang in there, I am filling in the rest of you! So anyway. We get along really well. She has a really strong accent, and some days we just can't understand each other, but a good time is had by all for the most part. She just got here, too, for the summer, so she doesn''t really know anyone either. Her bf's back home, too... and thats another thing we have in common!

Deb and JM left for Canada yesterday. I was really emotional and just in kind of a wierd mood pretty much all day. I got home and watched Friends (it was the one where Racheal and Ross break up), and I cried. I actually CRIED. How pathetic am I? The only reason I even TOLD you that was so that you could get a clearer picture of my lonlieness.

So then I was going to go out, and I was too tired. It was 6:45 and I was brushing my teeth and putting on my pj's getting ready for bed. It was still so bloody bright outside I had to close my blinds! I was going to read and fall asleep, and then I decided that I would walk down to the harbour and get a coffee to go, just to get some fresh air. I had been feeling sick and out of it all day, so I thought it would cheer me up. After getting coffee, I decided to drop in on a friend who lived nearby. Long story short, she was out, and I chatted it up with her baby-sitter for like 3 HOURS, til she got back, and then we chatted it up for almost another 2! I didn't get home til midnight! Not bad for the girl who was almost stone-dead at 6:45. Oh, alright... it was quarter to seven. Haha. Hopefully some of you will get that. Just a little shout out to all you Dumb and Dumber fans out there.

So that was last night. The house is still really empty, but I think getting out last night cheered me up a lot. I went grocery shopping today and bumped into a few people. One of them is coming over for tea tomorrow, on my day off. That should be fun! I am going to try to keep myself busy while Deb's away, because it's kind of hard if I just stick around in the house all afternoon. I think her and JM are the reason I haven't been depressed since I've been here- because everytime I missed someone, or something about Canada, I'd just go talk to them, laugh about it, and remember it. Now there is no one over here who really understands where I am coming from. It's ok... I am totally going to be ok. It's just a WAY bigger adventure that coming here in the first place. I know they're only gone for 3 weeks of my 6 months, but it's harder. TRUST me.

Anyway, I know that I've only talked about the last two days when I haven't written for 14! The truth is that I'm just hanging out. Working lots, but TOTALLY taking it easy. I go for lots of walks, see friends, and watch movies and stuff. IN the THEATRE. Oh ya, Baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, and Bill's coming out here soon! We are working on getting him out here for late May, early June. I can't wait! We are going to have an absolute BLAST... there is so many cool places I can't wait to take him! And then in July, my dad's coming, so it'll be a party all over again!

The thing I still can't get my mind around is the fact that when Deb and JM get back... it'll be 2 MONTHS since I arrived here. 2 MONTHS... wow. That's one third of my entire trip. Wow.

Anyway, I think that's about all I have to say for now. I'll try to write a little more often, they might just be a bit shorter!

Love you guys, and miss you lots!

Life, Work, and then some

2004-04-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys!

Wow... Yea, I know it's been awhile since my last update! Thanks to all of you who write and keep me updated with YOUR lives... It honestly brightens my day to hear from you! :D

So... the last time I wrote you you all... I was hiking, right? Well... now I've got to think back to when that was! Ok, it was about a week and a half ago. My cousin Michael (that was inthe pictures with me), left for Dublin a few days later. He and I had a good time... We went exploring around the Harbour and found a wee trail that we thought was hidden, and found out later that it is a well known hike called "Scottie Brek!" LOL. We still had fun. It takes you up this the top of this wee mountain and you overlook the sea and you can look back on all the shops and houses. It was late at night, and the lights from the stored we casting cool patterns on the water and it was just so cool. Neat to get a different view on the harbour, too.

JM's daughter, Amy, arrived from Stornoway a day or so before Michael left. Shes been here all week, and it's been nice to have someone to walk around town with, and go grab a coffee or do errands with. She's only 12, but she's nice, and we get along.

On Monday night, I went to see a movie in the theatre at the Aros Centre (that was the place that I was thinking of applying... in the restaurant part of it). Anyhow, we saw "Something's Gotta Give," and it was really nice to get out and see a movie. We watch lots at home here, but going to the theatre is kind of a big deal. I haven't seen a movie in the theatre for about a month, now... so it was cool.

On Wednesday of that week, we went to Inverness again. Really fun. I enjoyed it much more this time, and could zip around the mall like a pro, seeing as how I had been there a week before to scout it out. I got some really cool stuff (some for me, and some gifts and stuff), and it was all in all a really good day. We got home late, and because it is such a long drive, it just really wears you out. But it was really good. Just outside of Skye on the mainland, there is this long road that leads to Inverness. I can't think how to describe it to make it seem funny, but it was HILARIOUS. A long time ago, these workers had been doing work on the road on that once stretch of highway. I guess one of the workers left his gloves on the the posts of a fence that was right alongside the road- one glove on each post. Ever since, everytime you drive by, more and more pairs of gloves have been added. There are pink mittens, florescent yellow rubber dishwashing gloves, snowboarding gloves, oven mitts... you name it, it's there. All colors, all sizes. There were at LEAST 20 pairs, and it was so funny. I would have taken a pic, but you aren't allowed to stop on that road. Too bad... I just thought that I would share that little sotry with you all in memory of the gloves, because someone went and took them all down! We were OUTRAGED! they had been up for months! Oh well. That's my story for today, boys and girls.

Onto bigger things (not that the Gloves were world-shaking)... some have you have been asking about how my job is going! FANTASTIC!!! I love it! I started on Thursday, and I've worked 2 days so far. I have the weekends off, but I work Monday to Friday form 10 am-1 pm. This is only for the first 2 weeks before the hotel opens, and we are trying to get it cleaned and ready. Once it opens (on April 15th), I will hopefully get the 15-20 hours that I will work a week a little more compacted into 2 or 3 days, rather than split up over the whole week. While we are just cleaning though, I am glad they spilt it up, because 3 hours a day of hard-core cleaning gets a little monotonous, although I must say that I am working with awesome people, and the time honestly FLIES!

It's actually kind of funny. I (obviously), am Canadian. Of the 3 other girls that clean with me, one is from Liverpool, and 2 are from the Czech. Republic. One of the worker's in the yard is from South Africa, and we have another girl coming next month that is from New Zealand. My boss, Hugh and his wife Linda, are English, but have been living in Scotland for 30 years. I just think it's funny that we are all running a Scottish Hotel IN Scotland... and none of us are Scottish! LOL Well, one of the workers that I have met so far is. I get along really well with all the workers. They are all pretty young, and are as new as I am, so no one is bossy or annoying. There are a few guys that have been there for a few years, but they are really pleasant, and I get along great with them. It's so nice to work in a place with a small staff and everyone is nice and gets along well... different from what I am used to!

I don't want any of you to think that I am just "cleaning." It is a HUGE job. This place is a mansion, and it takes SO much work. Who would have thought that I would be over in Scotland giving some mansion a spring cleaning? I am still kind of shocked at where everything has taken me. Shocked, but happy! :D The ceilings are SO HIGH, and you need a massive latter to even get to the tops of the curtains. This is scary for me, and I have had to overcome my fear of latters (and heights, for that matter), because there is no other way to clean those bad boys, and that's what I'm getting paid for! The rooms are MAMMOTH. There are 12 of them, and each has there one separate bathroom and view. There are long hallways, hidden trails, tons of windows, and old, old, OLD furniture!

I don't mean "old" in a must, smelly way. They are all antiques, and very well preserved. The house in general is very well kept up. Yesterday, we were cleaning out drawers and book shelves, and we came across a book that had an inscription dated 1811! There was a picture on the wall that showed the March on Scotland, and it was dated 1775! These things are from 200- 300 years OLD! And every room is FULL of stuff like this! It is very classy, very interesting, and FULL of heritage.

Some has been renovated, and given proper toilets and stuff, but there are still cast iron tubs in some of the rooms, and there is a bathroom in the hall that is labelled "WC" (Water Closet), and has the pull-chain to flush and everything! Totally old-school! I just love it. Cleaning is exciting because you stumble across all SORTS of stuff, and because I am so intersted in Scottish heritage and history, it makes it all the more cool for me.

My boss is a peach. He and his wife are very sweet and generous and, to sum it all up- I LOVE it! And the guests aren't even here yet!!!

So I have the day off. It's not to sunny today, although the weather in general here has been clearing up. The day that we went to Inverness is was 17 degrees! SMOKIN! I think I want to go find a quiet little spot and pray somewhere. I've been getting really tired and worn out again lately, and there is no reason for it. I've only just started work, and other that, I've been taking it easy. I eat well, excerise, sleep lots, and nothing seems to help. I sleep really DEEPLY, but the first thought in my head when I wake up is of HOW TIRED I still feel. I sleep, but I never feel rested. Anyhow, as some of you know, this was a problem for me when I was in Canada. I spent pretty much my whole last summer comatose. I don't want to go there again, and no that I can look back and see how that affected me and everyone ele around me... I am able to easily recognise the patterns, and feel like I am slipping into it all over again. It is probably the most FRUSTRATING thing that I can think of, because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I've tried it all. 2 specialists, weekly blood tests (Hey Tabz- More like "WEAKLY blood tests", huh? Hehe), sleeping, not sleeping, praying, medication... everything. I am not looking to you guys to give me answers to why this is happening to me- so please don't think that you are obligated to write and offer me what worked for "Your aunt, or your counsin, or this guy at work who you don't really know, but HEY!!! It worked for HIM!!" Just pray for me. That's really all I ask here, ok?

When I am tired, it makes everything fall apart. I am not really "homesick," although I do miss certain things about home, and the PEOPLE!!! I am glad that I am here. I am having an incredible time, but the only thing that incapacitates me is fatigue. It makes me unmotivated and lethargic. It also makes me reallt emotional because I feel so worn out, and that makes it harder to do things out here. I feel sometimes like I just don't have the energy to go out and meet people. I just want to stay in and sleep, and whatever. It's not ALWAYS like this, but I have days, and from experience, it can get there FAST.

I am not telling you all of this so that it will be like some SOB STORY. I just want to give you a clear picture of what I am going through so that you have a better and easier way of praying into it.

So that's me. And I think that's it for now. I appreciate you prayers, emails, MAIL, phone calls... and everything that you all have been to me, and CONTINUE to be to me. I love you all so much, and think about you all the time!

The Quairang!

2004-04-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

*This is an old update. I figure that I am going to go back and publish all my updates that I have sent out to my friends, because I have been neglecting those of you who AREN'T on my mailing list. Oh, and let me know if you want to join that, by the way. At least these next few updates will bring you up to the present so that I can fill you in on some new stuff.*

Wow!!!

JM, Michael and I hiked the Quaraing today! It was so amazing- so beautiful.

I feel closest to God when I am in the mountains out here. It is so still, so silent. It's such a raw beauty- the rocks in the green grass... the mountains that climb up and up and then dash off into the sea. The view takes your breath away. We only passed a few people on the mountain today, and we were climbing for 3 hours! It is so vast, so huge. I hate trying to write about things like this, because I just don't have the words to express how it feels to be so small in the middle of something that is so huge and beautiful. It absolutely leaves you speechless.

The air is SO clear. We climbed and climbed. I have a head cold right now, so that added to my astma and just being a bit out of shape made it a challenge! LOL. I was able to keep up to the boys no problem, tho! I've only lost about 5 or 6 pounds since I got here, but I feel FANTASTIC! Really tired right now, but fantastic all the same!

We'd be walking along, and pass a wee pool of water, or a stone wall that are called "dry stone dykes," because all they are made of is stacking stones on stones! No mortar or anything, but they last hundreds of years. Amazing!

Some of you that heard more of my last trip out here may have heard of my sheep-stalking days. I ALWAYS try to get a picture of them because they are SOO chubby and cute, but even with my zoom lens, they always get away! One might call them... sheepish? Haha. I threw that one in there for you, Tabz. Tell your Dad. LOL. And James, stop rolling your eyes, you KNOW you love my humor. Anyway, I wasted, like 10 pictures this time trying to get the bloody SHEEP! I got one with a blue butt tho. Very nice. LOL. The crofter's spray paint their sheep so that they can tell who's is whose. They also have the marking in the ear, but the color on the sheep helps to distinguish whose is whose. Or whom. Hmm. Haha.

Billy and Dad, I can't WAIT til you get here. I can't wait to share this with you. I am the most ALIVE when I am here. I honestly feel like a whole other person. I mean, I am the same Liv, but this place REALLY renews and envigorates me! Oooh it was such a hard hike in spots! You guys will do fine, though- you're in such good shape! Mom- this one was WAY harder than STORR! AAAA. There are some really steep parts, but I am proud to say that I didn't have to use my bum to get down this time, so I'm MOVIN UP, BABY! LOL.

So first you hike up to this part called the Table. It is flat and open, and is absolutely GORGEOUS. We were standing there looking around, and there was this really steep rock face by it. I was like "WOW! I wonder what it would be like up THERE." JM's like, "Well you are going to find out, because that's were we are headed." I was like, "Umm... today?" So yea... we climbed all the way down from the Table and back around the whole mountain (which takes a very long time), and then a LONG, steady hike up to this spot that overlooks the Table. That part is called The Quairang. It was all so beautiful. I wasn't going to miss ANY of it. I was like "Hit me with the best this mountain has to offer," and boy did they smoke me. LOL. And after such a LONG day of shopping yesterday! ;)

I think that's about all... it all overlooks the sea, so no matter where you go, you can see beaches, and water and it's fantastic. I hope you guys enjoy the pictures. Sorry I had to send them all separate. It would have taken forever otherwise. Don't worry, there IS logic in that, I'm just not going to get into it. You're a tough crowd.

Oh, and if there is any quesion- it's MY ISLAND!!! It's MINE! LOL. Just a shout out to all you Braveheart fans. You know who you are. ;)

Anyway, write and ask me if you have any questions!

Shop til you Drop

2004-03-25T02:32:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys!

How are you all doing? I am doing REALLY good, except I have a pretty bad cold in my throat and nose and stuff, so please pray for me if you think of it! My cousin is out here from Canada. He is travelling all over Europe, and he is staying in Skye for a coupe of days with us. I've never met him before, but we get along great. Anyway, I wanted to take him hiking this weekend up Storr, but it's REALLY hard to breathe with this cold, so I want it to go away so I can go climb mountains!

Oh my goodness. As some of you know, I went shopping in Inverness yesterday. It takes about 2 and a half hours each way, and then I was shopping for just oever 3 hours, so I was really burnt out last night when I got home! Mom, it was way different than the last time we were there- all the renovations were done! Now, some of you are going to be rolling your eyes at this next part, by try to keep in mind that I am NOT a superficial person, and I usually don't waste a lot of time shopping. Let me see if I can think of a way to describe it...

Have you ever had a dream that you are trapped in a mall and it's of ALL your favorite stores, and you LOVE everything and it's really CHEAP!? Like, you walk around, and there's GAP, Off the Wall, RW and Co., Jacob, etc? Well... it was like that, but one step further. They didn't have very many American stores (the only one I saw was GAP and La Senza), but they had the COOLEST European stores. The clothes were SO cool and funky and colorful. I am dead serious- I would go into the stores, and everything that I saw, I liked. It was horrible, it was like I was trapped in some wierd dream paradox, because OBVIOUSLY I didn't have enough money to buy out the store, and even if I did, I'm not stupid enough to do it. You know how I love skirts? Well, Nan, you know the funky skirts in your closet that I am always trying to steal from you? I found about 300 different styles of them. I'm not kidding. The catch here, though, is that some can be pretty expensive because of the whole conversion thing and throwing PEANUTS at them is worth more than my money, so I was smart enough to only bring enough for what I would need. I had to buy a what shirt and black trousers (that's right, guys... I am BACK to saying trousers again. I've been busted too many times!), so I got those, and a couple other little things as well. I got a REALLY warm light fuzzy pink zip-up hoody with darker pink piping, and a really nice 3/4 lenght grey boat neck shirt, and a couple wee presents for people. Haha Boys, you probably don't care about any of this, but the girls were writing me and asking for DETAILS! LOL.

It was a good day, really. I am adjusting really well to the culture and stuff. It's kind of nice to have my cousin here, because we can talk about all the little things that we find different and funny. Like... having a carpet floor in the bathroom. And pronouncing "garage" like "GAIR-age," or they won't know what you are talking about. You learn about jags (shots), CV's (resumes), tea (dinner- see it's NOT just the drink!), and various other things. There is SO much more to learn! Haha. And you have to pick it up or else they don't know what you are talking about! LOL. It's pretty funny. We told JM that he is going to need a handbook when they come to Canada, because even though it's the same language, it's a totally different world!

Well the sun is out, and I've got a few letters to mail, so I think I'm going to drag Michael (my cousin) on another little walk with me.

Sorry my email was totally superficial... I'lll write some better stuff soon!

I know, I KNOW!!

2004-03-20T10:43:00.000-08:00

I am thinking up my next blog. I PROMISE I will post something soon! Thanks for your abounding patience!

It's been One Week

2004-03-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

Today is the 16th. It's been one week since I have arrived on Skye, and 8 days since I left Canada. It's actually gone pretty fast so far, the days are a bit of a blur. I am adjusting quite well (except for the jetlag which I STILL have!), so I think makes it easier, and also, your emails have been FANTASTIC to recieve!

The weather was nice the first few days after I got here. Not hot, but the sun was out and the mountains were clear. Really nice. The last few days it's been raining and REALLY windy. I have talked to a few people over the last few days, and I still can't really thing of a way to describe the wind- it's INSANE! If you are out walking, if forces against you SO strongly that it feels like it is going to rip your clothes off- I'm not joking. It sucks your whole face back, and if you don't steady yourself, it will knock you over! It's so intense, I love it! The other night we went to church and the wind was wailing and shaking everything, and the roof was creaking like it was going to blow off! MADNESS!

I went for a little walk today to the town. Everyone tried to stop me because they said I'd get soaked, but I just went anyway. HELLO, I lived in Chilli my whole life, I think I can handle a few wee drops. It was more of a mist really, and actually quite refreshing. You are never more than 10 minutes from the water ANYwhere on this island, and we happen to be RIGHT on it. The wind comes directly off the water, and picks up a LOT of speed. It feels like a tornado! My pictures are all going to be crap because I couldn't hold my camera still!

I really like the village. I walked around and looked at jewelry and stuff. They have some nice shops and things. I also went to the bakery and they have some really nice stuff there. Different kinds of desserts, so I picked a few so that we could try them tonight. It's been a really lazy day, actually, and I am quite enjoying it. You can't really go out, or not for long anyways, in this weather, but I have lots of stuff to do indoors, so I don't really mind. I am still not sleeping that greatly, so I like the rest.

Sunday was 2 days ago. There is a service in the morning, and then one in the evening. I went to the evening one with JM, and Deb doesn't really go much because the baby gets fussy. He's settled down alot- Deb says the day that I got here he stopped being cholicky (sp?) so that is good.

We've gone around and done some visiting which had been nice. Meeting new people. Everyone is welcoming and friendly. Oh! I am I am really big into drinking tea again! Haha. It's really pushed on you here, but I like it. I think I am developing a wee tea belly. Haha. Just kidding, it will come with time.

I met a couple people my age the other day. Actually Brent, I met this one guy who looks SO much like you, it's shocking. He reminded meof you, too... he was so funny! I think we'll get along, his humor is similar to mine. They all do this thing once a month were they head down to Inverness and meet up with other youth. I'll give it a go. They also meet every Saturday, and I will definetly go to that so I can meet some people my own age. I am not uncomfortable being around people who are older than me, but it is nice to have at least a few who are more similar. If I don't end up making a lot of friends here, it's NOT because I don't WANT to, but rather be because there ARE none! LOL.

As I said earlier, I don't mind the rain... but I hope it doesn't last long. It can be really depressing... and call me crazy, but I don't feel like being depressed right now. I am really working through a lot of stuff emotionally and spiritually, and I think some sun could really help that.

I don't really know what else to add. OH! Yesterday JM had the day off work, and so we all drove to Neist Point. It is this wee lighhouse on the edge of the cliff that is just sitting there right before the cliff goes PLUNGING in to the sea. It is truly gorgeous. The lighthouse was privately owned, and the last time I was here, the man who owned it was upset about something, and so he closed it to the public. We didn't bother even driving down there (It's over an hour's drive). But I think he's dead now, and it has reopened, so that is good. Not that he is dead... just that we can go down there. Once you pass through the gates it's about a half an hours walk. We didn't do it yesterday, but I we are going back I think in 2 weeks, and then we will do the hike.

JM's daughter is coming from Stornaway, and she is going to stay with us for about a week. We'll probably take her, and my other cousin who is actually going to be on Skye at that time, as well. The weather was bad when we started heading out, but we just wanted to go for a drive, and by the time we got there, the sun had come out a little, and it was GORGEOUS. I hope it is nice when we go again.

How are you all doing? Are you getting my emails? There have been a few gliches, I think, as some of you have mentioned that you haven't been recieving them. I don't know why... maybe it's because of the storm. Sometimes they just get delayed.

I think that's it for now. I am going to apply for that job really soon. I think I am almost ready to stary working. It has been a nice break from it, I must say, and it will be nice to try out this SORT of job. Pray that I get it! Well, you know what I mean. Pray for GOD'S WILL.

I had kind of a rough night last night. Umm. Working through a few emotional things, but what was so encouraging is that JM was up, and he heard me sniffling about it a little. He asked if I was alright, and we talked about it, and it was really good. God has put with the most awesome people to be with. We all fit well together. Deb and I get along well, and I am bonding with the baby. JM and I have had a few really good talks, and I am SO glad for him and Deb. It's hard to be away from the people that I usually call up right away, but he just sat and listened, let me cry and then we prayed. It was REALLY good.

So that's my life in a nutshell. How's yours? Write to me. You KNOW how much I love hearing from you all.

Love you all. Especially you. Take care, Liv

An Update

2004-03-14T08:05:00.000-08:00

I know this is lazy of me... but I didn't wany to write out my udate all over again, just for a blog... so it is a few days old, but here is an email that I sent out to everyone... it's got all the relavent parts. Sorry if you read it already, and if you haven't, enjoy! This ones for you!

How are you all doing? I am doing well, but the jetlag is affecting me very badly, I am afraid. I slept 5 hours on the plane, which was DECENT (LOL), and then managed to stay awake the whole 5 hour ride from Glasgow to Portree. I figured that if I could manage staying awake, then I could go to sleep at normal people time, and not have any jetlag. It worked for awhile, and then I woke up for a bit, but then went back to bed and slept for another 15 hours, putting me at 2 pm here when I woke up. Last night, however, I wasn't so fortunate. I went to bed at 11:30, and woke up at 12:30, and stayed awake all through the night right til 9 am when I had a short nap. BRUTAL. Absolutely brutal.

I am pretty tired today... no... more just kinda out of it. It's so quiet at night... and God is really teaching me to learn how to be STILL. Em, it's similar to you learning how to be CALM. I am trying to be still, and focus on God, and just wait for him to speak to me, rather than ALWAYS being the one doing the talking. It's funny, because when they showed me my room, the wall above my bed had a framed picture that had the verse "Be Still, and know I AM God."

Also, I was flipping through a mag on one of the planes that this one ad totally caught my eye. It was advertising the new Jennifer Lopez perfume (Don't laugh) called Still, and one it, it said "In the eye of the storm, I am STILL." It totally jumped out at me. And get this... J.Lo is one is, and she is wearing (of all things) a PINK DRESS! (Mom- "It's a SIGN!!!")

Yesterday Deb and I and the baby went for a walk around the town. It's GORGEOUS. So cute and sweet. Cafe's, Ice Cream Shops, cool and funky gift stores, and an AWESOME view of the mountains and water from the harbour. Simply breath-taking. It's a small town, but it has pretty much one store for everything that you need.

Oh, Nan, you were wondering what the McDonald's tasted like over here? Rubbish. The fries are crap and the chicken nuggets are NOTHING like the ones that we have shared on SO many occasions! LOL.

Somethings are difficult and a little frustrating. It took me at least 5 minutes to get the can opener working today, and this keyboard is different. I can't fure out the locks on the front doors, and words are different. The " sign isn't where it should be. It's switched with the @ sign. And what the heck is ¬ ? It's kind of cool using the £ sign, though.

But I digress. It's a tad wierd getting into the other side of the car. Driving in the left lane isn't as disorienting for me this time around as it was last time. That's a ray of sunshine. The money is different, but has many similarities to canadian dollars. It's just the coins that I have to get used too, because there are a LOT of them!!!

We also went to the Job Centre today to see what's out there. Apparently tourist season officially starts this weeked, and hiring is prime. So, I scoped it out a wee bit. There is a position open (Mom, it's at the Aros Centre- remember? The one with the cool gift shop and restaurant that we had lunch at on our way to Kilt Rock one day), and it's for a pretty decent wage. I would be what's called a "waiting staff," which I found out is pretty much a waitress. I'd clean tables, take orders, work the till a bit... that sort of thing. I am not going to apply yet as I am not quite adjusted, but it is a seasonal job, and starts in March and goes till October. Pray for God's favor for me in that area. It's only 15 hours a week, which would be PERFECT for me... enough time to still be able to travel around.

JM and I have been planning some hikes/walks. Dad and Bill, and I going to check it out and find the best spots for us to go. Mom, the first place that we will probably go to is the Quairaing. Do you remember? We could see it when we were at the top of Storr. It's the one that is shaped like a huge table. I am SUPER excited. It looks GORGEOUS.

Umm... guess I should backtrack. The flight was pretty good. I prayed really hard for peace, because I was SUPER nervous about it... layovers and stuff like that. I managed just fine, and met up with a few people who were headed my direction and we helped each other out. I was a little scared about Heathrow, London... but it was well marked out, as I had heard, and I didn't have any trouble. My layover was for a couple hours, so I walked around the gift shops a little bit, and was pro coming back through security. Tabz, I already bought your present!!! I saw it in the COOLEST, funkiest, cutest shop in the airport, and I thought of you right away! I got really sick about 7 hours into my first flight (which was almost 10 hours). I can usually feel the difference between if something is a natural or spiritual sickness, and it felt spiritual. I think if was fear. It totally paralyzed me, and for just over an hour, I couldn't move... all I could do was sit there and pray. It eased up as we landed, and I can see that this trip is forcing me to rely SOLEY on God, as their is no one else.

I have my Uncle and Aunt here, and they are FANTASTICK, but they have a new baby, and I always knew that coming here would stretch me, and I can feel it already. It has been wonderful to get all the mail, emails, and phone calls from you all. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. It's wierd... I don't really feel LONELY, but I DO feel quite ALONE. Just... separated. It's a whole other world over here, and that makes it easy to feel the miles.

My room looks absolutely SMASHING. I've got tons of pictures and stuff up on my walls, and my crazy down quilt from IKEA TOTALLY makes it home. I am SOOOO glad that I brought it. (Glad you couldn't talk me out of it, Mom! wink wink).

I hope I've said everything I wanted to. Oh. Once I left you guys (Mom, Dad, Bill, and Deanna) at the airport, I made it alright. I was pretty much sobbing as I passed through security and the guard tried to cheer me up!! It was actually pretty cute. I tried to put everything out of my mind so that I would be able to focus and find where I needed to go. Once I found my first gate, I can't even express the amount of pride and self-accomplishment that washed over me. It was only the first step that I had made on my trip... but that was just it! It was the FIRST STEP! I did it all by myself! I must have been grinning like an IDIOT, because people were looking at me a little odd, but I didn't care. I am developing the WHOLE new level of independance, and I am THRILLED.

God is amazing. You all are amazing. Thank you all for your love and SUPPORT!!! Thank you for encouraging me to continue my dream, even when you knew if would be hard for all of us.Thank you for seeing the BIG PICTURE involved... like how we are all going to grow as people when I am gone, and not downplaying my vision and excitment. Thank you for letting me go, even when I know that some of you had a REALLY hard time saying good-bye for 6 months. Thank you for caring for me, loving me, and raising me. I love you all so incredibly much. You are my support system.

That's about it for now. Deb and I are going to go to the Aros Centre for a bit, the one that I was telling you I will probably apply for. Please write to me. I love you and miss you all...

I'm Here!

2004-03-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

I am alive. I am well. I will write soon. It's been crazy. JETLAG SUCKS!!!

The Murderer

2004-03-06T17:34:00.000-08:00

Last night was fun. Bill and I went out and saw "Starsky and Hutch", it was really funny, if you share our humor! Not quite as good as Zoolander, but it was the sae two guys, and they are great starring together. We had a great time. The theatre was a little seedy, and needless to say, I held onto my purse the whole time and sat low in my seat so that I couldn't get a bullet in the back of my head. A little paranoid, maybe, but Vancouver brings that side of me out, what can I say???

Anyhow, I am so excited! We are all going to see a murder mystery tonight! I am STOKED! It is convieniately called "Murderer," and it is supposed to have lots of twists and be quite humorous at the same time. I loooove theatre! We always used to go see Shakespeare plays when I was in school, and I developed the love of it at a young age. OOO I can't wait.

Bill and I went walking around town all day today. It was raining, but still fun. We went out for lunch, and just had a great time being with each other. We don't have much time left together, and I think that we are both feeling the pressure of it weighing down on us, even when we are having a good time. We got lost, as we ALWAYS do when we go somewhere together, but we found our way, and it all turned out all right.

We are going out for dinner now before the play, so I should get going. My stomach is still soooo sore, so pray for me. I am feeling VERY tired and worn out, and so my health is pretty crappy. I hope I get a better sleep tonight than last night.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well. I will write more later about how the play turns out!!!

What I Believe...

2004-03-05T18:41:00.000-08:00

Hey... Billy and I are at my Dad's right now in Vancouver. We're staying at his girlfriend's house. We're just trying to figure out what we want to do this evening, and while everyone is talking, I thought I'd post a little blog.

I've been feeling really sick the last few days. This "Stress Thing" is really kicking me in the butt. My stomach is really queasy, and I have headache. I am so tired, but I can't seem to get alot of sleep. Sometimes I start zoneing out, and after like, 5 minutes, and I am like wooooah... what I am I doing? It's wierd... I am totally in my own little emotional world lately.

As I was saying about Group last night... it ROCKED my world! We split off into little groups and totally got to get a better chance of where everyone stands on different issues... it was AWESOME!!! I was telling Jamie and Rigel a little while back about HOW DISGUSTED I was with myself in my knowledge of Christianity. I have been raised in the Church, and have a good relationship with God, in that I feel I know his Heart... but I don't have a lot of back-up on WHY I believe what I believe.

I've been questioning a LOT of things, and have been working through them so that I own them... and they aren't just beliefs that are passed on to me because my mom believed them... I REALLY want to know why and WHAT I believe. So that's where I've been. It's humbling, It's exciting, It's... depressing!

So that's where I am at. We talked about evangelism, and where to even BEGIN. I've bascially got to go back to the beginning and simplify everything... get rid of my "Churchy Terms," and get back to the basics... what Christianity REALLY is... So pray for me...

I'll blog more later and let you know how the weekend is going. Pray that God helps me MELLOW OUT, and not be so S-R-E-S-S-E-D!!!

My Life in a NutShell

2004-03-05T09:29:00.000-08:00

These last two days I have been working on packing my life into a nutshell... or rather 20 bags with 70 lbs. in each, and a carry-on with 22 lbs. A little more roomy, but just as difficult.

Yesterday, I just sat in my room and looked at my stuff. Man I've got a LOT of stuff. I've got to hand it to myself, though... I've got a very funky, classy, FUN, creative, well-put-together room (patting my back). It's not CLUTTERED, persay, but there is much hiding in the shadows.

So a few weeks ago I absolutely RIPPED my room apart and got rid of ALL the junk. That really helped me organzized and prioritze my life, in more ways that one. Who would have thought that merely cleaning out one's room could be so freeing?

But now I am stuck. STUCK. Stuck. I hardly know where to start. It's harder when it seems to pack for 6 months. 3 weeks? Sure... Maybe even a month and a half... but 6 months? Do you just take a little and buy more stuff over there? Do you take EVERYTHING? (Don't worry, I'm not!) I'm just kind of at a loss today...

Yesterday I took a break from packing and went to my sisters' and helped her clean and make dinner for Group that night. It was fun, and I was so glad this morning when I heard that she is going to come over and help ME pack MY stuff today! Thanks, Em! I really appreciate it!

Bill and i are going to visit my Dad and his girlfriend tonight in Vancouver, so that's why I need to get all the packing done today... because we get back on Sunday... just enough time for me to repack all my stuff from the weekend, and... leave! Anyways, I'd better go get started!

Oh! And Group last night was AWESOME!!! I had a TON of fun and learned SOOOOO much. For real! SO much! Anyway, I'll talk about that later...

Our One Year Anniversary

2004-03-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

Today is my One Year Anniversary with my sweetheart, Billy. Both of us have been looking forward to this and counting down the days until it arrived... and it's finally here! I've been praying really hard for SUN, because we were going to go hiking to our favorite spot, and then go out for dinner at this cute little place nearby... but we got RAIN! That's ok, we are still going to go... we'll just have to bring warm clothes.

I am really excited to give him his present. I've worked really hard on it, and it looks GREAT. It's all done, and I think he's really going to like it. Anyway... I should probably go get ready. He is at school til around lunch time, and then we are going back.

I am still waiting to hear back from my travel agent about how much luggage I am alotted. I'm outta here in 5 days... so I gotta get cracking. Bill and I are going away for the weekend, so I've got to prepare for that, too. I'll give you an update on how today goes later!

BAH HUMBUG!

2004-03-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

Bad moods are a funny thing. No one likes them, and no one likes it when someone ELSE is in one. If I was to look at tomorrow and see that there was a dark cloud looming over my future state of mind, I would do whatever I could to avoid it... No one likes bad moods! Now, maybe I'm wrong in this next part here, but once that bad mood rolls around for me, no matter HOW miserable, or HOW grumpy I am... I just don't want to be cheered up! It's almost like being in that mood makes you feel better, even though you feel like SHIT! Does this make any sense? Am I alone in this? I'm not trying to prove any REAL point here, I am just thinking about how wierd and stupid bad moods are.

Hiking and Stuff

2004-03-01T23:37:00.000-08:00

First of all... I was wondering: can any of you see the pictures on this site? I think it's screwing up or something, because I haven't seen mine for a looooong time. Sorry, I'll try to work on it.

Next, wow! Yesterday was FUN! We went to church in the morning, and then James and I hung out for the day. We did some errands, and then went to this river and went, well... pretty much 4x4ing in his HUGE truck. It was awesome.

Then we went hiking to our usual sopt. It was really nice. I've been totally stressing about stuff lately, and it was nice to GET OUT OF TOWN and go climb some mountains! We were both naturally SHOCKED at how out of breath we were! Last time we went we ran the whole way up to the top! I have asthma, though... and while it usually doesn't bother me that much, cold air really triggers it, so that slowed me down a little.

The TOTAL highlight of the day was when James let me drive his BIG ASS truck. I don't have my liscense, and I've never really driven before (I know, I know.. I'm 18... I should get it, but I haven't yet- it's a long story), and so he taught me how to drive standard and it ROCKED!

I slipped on a rock when we were hiking. I bruised my ankle doing it, and there is really no reason for me telling you, other then the fact that complaining makes me feel better.

It was really beautful up there... the reflection on the water was stellar! The air was crisp and the sky was clear. Halfway across the lake, the water had frozen over. James said that it was because by the time the water reaches that distance from the mountains, it has thawed, but in the area that was frozen, it was still too cold. I guess he's right, but one would imagine some sort of transition between the two... you know... have a few little ice bergs and then gradually freeze over. The frozen part was crazy though! It was so straight that you could have measured it with a ruler! It was like warm, warm, warm... FROZEN!!! Maybe I am dwelling on this too much, but I've never seen anything like it!

I gave him his birthday present and then he drove me home (I actually drove myself part-way there! LOL). Billy and I went to some friends house for one last trip in their hot tub. What a perfect way to end the day. Then we watched Runaway Jury... I actually slept through it like I normally do, but it's ok because I've seen it before. My lack of sleep is catching up with me...

Tonight was my good-bye dinner with my family. Well... some of them. My mom, Em, Jamie, Judy, Rigel, and Billy were there. It was nice, but I had spent most of today crying. Really emotional. I have been ok off and on... Today I just spent a lot of time grieving. I feel bad because I know that everyone tried really hard to make it a special night, and it WAS special, I was just really out of it. I haven't really been getting the right KIND of sleep lately, and I think stress is giving me stomach aches. I'm sorry... I'm not trying to be a whiner, I'm just still really processing a lot of stuff. Bill bought us all really good steaks, and they were delicious! Em brought my favorite kind of dessert, and mom made an AWESOME dinner. All in all... it was good.

Anyway, I've got another pretty full day tomorrow again... so I am going to head to bed. I'm sleeping over at Em and Jamie's tonight! We just finished watching The Others, and I am getting tired... So good-night! I'll blog more later...

Done like Dinner

2004-02-29T00:22:00.000-08:00

Wow. Today was a big day. I got a WHOLE bunch of errands done that REALLY needed getting done! It's a big relief... but it has left me feeling kind of wierd. i got all the major stuff finished, and now the rest is pretty much... formalities. Meeting people for lunch, having Good-Bye dinners, packing... and so on. It's been really nice to be out of work... takes a HUGE emotional, physical, and SPIRITUAL strain off of me. I'm going hiking with my buddy James tomorrow. That should be fun. Hopefully the weather will be decent. Bill and I just got back from watching a movie at some friends' house. It's just after midnight and I haven't been to bed before One in over a week and a half. Not that I'm complaining... I am kind of getting USED to it. But I've got a full day tomorrow, and James will never let me live it down if he can beat me up the mountain... so I am going to head to bed! HAHA! I rhymed! I'm SUCH a nerd...

The Passion of the Christ

2004-02-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

I watched the Passion of the Christ last night. I’ve never seen anything like it: so intense, so humble, so beautiful. I wept through the entire movie, and the whole way home from Mission. How can you ever be the same after seeing something like that? I prayed that my heart would be open, because I have heard the story of Christ’s crucifixion since I was 2 years old. But how can you know about it for so long… and never really have a clue? What do you even say? What can I even write about? I don’t have any theories, I don’t have any debates, I don’t have any fancy words to say what Jesus means. I just sat there watching the movie, so overwhelmed. It’s always been hard to grasp that he died for me, ME! Liv Kosub, the judgemental girl with absolutely NO patience, a whole lot of anger! I’m not really sure what it is right now that I am feeling… I guess so… little. I felt like the little shepherd girl, getting trampled by the crowd, but just trying, longing to catch a glimpse of His face. So what’s left to say when all the words have been said? What’s left to feel when you’ve cried all your tears? Here’s something I wrote last night:

Jesus.
My Salvation.
I just want to be close to you.
Use my hands, so that I might touch the lives of my enemies and those who persecute me.
Take my ears with you, so that I might hear everything you have to say to me.
Have my eyes, so that I might be able to see the World from your perspective.
Fill my stomach, that I might hunger for nothing but Your will.
Lord, Take my feet, that I might walk always where you lead me.
Speak through my lips, that I may be a mouthpiece for Your teaching.
Lord, Take my lungs, and fill them with the breath of Heaven!
Hold my heart next to Yours, so that its’ beat might become my own.
Anything that I have that You can use, I give freely to You.
Remove anything that may causes distraction from You, and draw me always closer.

Treading Water

2004-02-22T13:54:00.000-08:00

This is something that I wrote last night...

I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of holding it all in. I'm tired of doing the countdown of the days left until I leave. I'm tired of talking about what job I am going to get, or what cool new friends I will make. I wish it would all just happen so that I could start dealing with it. I'm tired of my face assuming that plastic smile everytime someone mentions how many days are left. It's like that feeling of being on a rollar coaster when you're inching, creeping, notch-by-notch up to the highest peak, RIGHT before you go crashing down. It's the fear, the dread, the anticipation, the EXCITEMENT!

I feel like I am by myself in the middle of a lake. No one else around me. I am all alone. No boat, no buoy, no life preserver. Just... treading water. God, my legs are so sore! I've been treading water for so long. I just want to rest. I can't let myself rest, though, because everytime I stop treading, even for a second, I start sinking.

There is peace in the darkness under the water for only so long. My lungs start burning, and somehow, I manage to start treading again. I want someone to hold me, take my in their arms and carry me back to shore. Silence can be so loud sometimes. Do you know what I mean? I scream for help, but the Silence swallows my voice.

I haven't been out here for long... but it feels like forever. Will things be different when I can finally be pulled back to shore? Will they all have forgotton me? Why do I feel so alone? I move an inch in any direction and all this water is going to drive me six feet under.

How Do I Learn to Breathe Again?

2004-02-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

I'm SO disappointed. I wrote out this nice BIG blog, and then I accidentally exited before I had the chance to publish it! That was about 2 days ago, and I just haven't been able to blog since... I didn't feel like writing it all out again.

I was supposed to work yesterday, but I've been working a lot lately, and so Billy said he'd take the shift for me (I have such a sweet boyfriend). I basically just stayed at home and slept and relaxed, and... wallowed in depression. There are now only 2 days left of work (not including today), and 20 days before I leave. I am SO emotional right now, and it feels like the littlest things are setting me off. For example, some anger that was not intended for me, but was TAKEN out on me yesterday REALLY sent me into a tail-spin. I am trying really hard to hold everything together, but I feel like I'm losing it.

I have had more people than I can COUNT tell me that (ahem) "Time will fly," or "It will strenghten your relationship," while others ask me "Wow... 6 months, eh? How's the ol' boyfriend going to take it?" or "HA! You're NEVER going to make it! I'll give you a WEEK!"

I realize, of course, that none of these comments are intended to hurt my feelings, but now is just REALLY not a good time for me to hear them. Time only flies when I am with Billy, who is my best friend in the entire world. How can I possibly expect six whole months to just vanish in front of my eyes when he is the only one that has been able to make them fly in the first place?

And yes, ok... make it WILL strenghten our relationship, but I can sure tell you that BOTH Bill and I are SICK of the "How's your boyfriend going to take it?" question. Half the time I feel like I am being so selfish for leaving. I know that this is my dream, and i HAVE to do it, or our marrige will suffer SERIOUS reprocussions in the long run... but I still feel guilty. I am working through the guilt, though, because he is fufilling his dream out here: to go to college and secure a decent job for the future so that we can have a good life. I guess I just feel like I am abandoning him, sometimes, and comments like that don't exactly make me feel any better.

Another thing, I am SO tired of having people place BETS on how long I will be gone... it's like they WANT me to fail. Sigh. I won't though, because if I change my flight, then I've gotta pay an extra 200 bucks, which isn't something I'm prepared to do.

To bring closure to all this mess... I saw a movie 2 nights ago called "Under the Tuscan Sun." I really liked it. There is this one quote in the movie, and even though its' circumstances are completely different from my own, I really like it. One of the women asks the other main character "How do you learn to breathe again?" She is right in the middle of a pregnancy, her partner leaves her, and she is left to raise a child alone, and she wants to know how to breathe again when it feels like your lungs are closing in on you, and you can't see the end. You're just waiting for the break in the clouds, and praying to God that there is one.

That is pretty much how I feel right now. A TON of people look at my situation and ask why the HELL I am having such a hard time leaving here? I am leaving the only place that I have ever called home. I am going to a place where I have little to NO friends so far. I am leaving my boyfriend with whom I have spent EVERY day with for the last year. I am leaving my mom, my sister, my dad, Deanna, all of whom are responsible for getting me as far as I am now, and encouraging me every step of the way. In short, I am leaving my entire support system, everything that is close to me. My friends, my family, and my job. It's just a big step for me, and I am having a bit of a hard time taking it right now... so I am just waiting until I remember how to breathe again.

Peace throughout the Misery

2004-02-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

Today was a bad day. I can usually see them coming when I wake up in the morning, but this one caught me off guard. I can't really go into details, just a WHOLE bunch of CRAPPY CRAPPY stuff going on at work right now. I've only got three days left (suposed to be four, but my darling boyfriend wanted to work one for me, as I am SUPPOSED to have 8 in a row- ugg!)

Needless to say, when my alarm went off this morning, I should have shut it off and went right back to sleep. I had a very emotionally draining, frustrating, ANGRY, sick and downright stupid day. The bright spot is that I managed to seek God various and numerous times throughout it. Sometimes I wish that He would be the first place that I would run to during a bad time, but it doesn't always happen that way... sometimes I just try to fix it myself, or deal with the anger myself... and it doesn't work NEAR as well.

The song that kept coming to me throughout the day was that old song "I Lift My Eyes Up." Anyway, my thoughts today were something like this "Ooh... I really want to SLUG that person right now!"
"...I lift my eyes up to the mountains..."
"Yea... I'll get him RIGHT between the eyes!"
"...where does my help come from?..."
"He won't even see me coming!"
"...My help comes from YOU, Maker of Heaven..."
"Then of course, they might miss him if I took him out right now..."
"...Creator of the Earth..."
"But probably not! Who could miss a slug like THAT!"
"Oh how I NEED you, LORD! You're my ONLY hope! You're my only prayer!"
"Hmm... well I'll at least wait til after lunch and the crowd dies down..."
"So I will wait for You, to come and rescue me, Come and give me Life..."

And by the time the song was over, I had calmed down, and it was more of a righteous anger, as opposed to "Liv's-trying-to-rule-the-World Anger." So that's my story. We all went to Greek Island's and had a birthday party for my Nana... that was fun. Mom and I are going to watch "Under the Tuscan Sun", now. I'll talk to you all later!

Working Visa!

2004-02-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

Well I got my OFFICIAL Working Visa for Scotland last night. I wasn't exactly S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D about it, but I DID have to send my passport away with it in order to apply, and that caused MILD amounts of anxiety on my behalf. Mostly I was just a little concerned that they would find something wrong and send it RIGHT back, and then I'd have to do it again and waste all that time and money. But alas, it is safe and sound with me. In other news... 8 more shifts of work. TOTALLY excited about that. It's a major stress-house right now, and I'm not liking it. Oh well... I just keep making myself see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've also been really emotional lately. Last night Bill came over for dinner, and I had the table set all nicely with candles, and the lights off, and our song just happened to be playing as he walked in. We still had to wait a few minutes for the food to cook, so we slow danced to it for a bit, and I of course, started crying. It doesn't take much to set me off, these days, it seems. I am just really going to miss everyone a LOT. I know, I know... I HAVE to go, and I'm gonna love it, I'm just grieving right now. Anyway... that's it for tonight, I guess... I'll write more tomorrow, maybe.

The Joys of the Gym

2004-02-08T15:17:00.000-08:00

SO. I promised you all that I would fill you in on the juicy details of my gym experience. Let me begin. I, as I mentioned in my previous email, have not been to the gym in MANY moons. This is coming from someone who exudes energy from every pore. I kid you not. So I decided "Liv, it's been 3 months, GET off your ass and go work out." So I trudge over to the gym, after raiding my closet to pick the most snowsuit-like outfit that I have to conceal my "winter legs" (I think you ladies know what I am talking about here). First I head to the stretching mat. I used to be able to touch my toes with NO problem, and now I'm grasping for somewhere in the mid-calf region. Alas, I give that up after a few painful moments and do a few crunches of one of those big rolly-ball-things. That was successful, I must say that I am still feeling the burn today. Then I head over to lift some weights. No, wait a mintue, let's re-think that. There are 6 very large and VERY macho men bench-pressing what looks like my ENTIRE body weight. I just can't compete with that kind of pressure. And WHAT IS IT with guys STARING at themselves in the mirror as they lift those weights? You can just SEE it running through their minds as they are counting their repititions"...71... I'm... 72... so... 73... Sexy... 74... All... 75... the... 76... Ladies... 77... want ...78... me." Whatever. I give up after about an hour of SLAVE labour and head down to the hot tub. Let me tell you, I wasn't to impressed of being nestled a little to closely between two of the hairiest old men that I have EVER seen. You can't help but just look and around and think "Oh, that kid is DEFINETLY peeing right now," or, "Is that a BAND-AID?" or "That's an odd rash... I wonder if it's contagious!" I couldn't take it anymore, I hopped out and cooled off in the wave pool, and the little kids hot tub, which is conviently painted yellow on the bottom to disguise the amount of URINE that is in there. But no one is fooling me. No sir. I'll spare you the rest of details (example Sauna and Changeroom), for the sake of my more sensitive readers, and we'll leave it at that. I DID have a good time in the pool, though, I met up with the two little girls that were staying with us, and took them down the water slide and through the lazy river... it was fun! I guess it's just been too long since I've been to the gym. I think I'll give it another shot tonight! Wish me luck!

Tonight

2004-02-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

We've got company over tonight. The parents have two of the CUTEST girls that I have ever seen! I had the day off today, so I totally just stayed home and rested. I must be getting really worn down again, because that flue that I posted about being sick from about 2 weeks ago still hasn't really gone away. I woke up with a headache, and to spare you from boring details, I slept all afternoon. Now the company's here and we are going to have dinner really soon. Yea, I know that this isn't exactly IN DEMAND INFORMATION, but I thought that I should blog while I had a minute or two... After all, I only have 32 days left, and it will be really hard for me to blog after that. Internet time is really expensive over there. They charge you per phonecall! Even local ones! Internet's the same... so we'll just see how it goes...

34 More Days...

2004-02-03T18:40:00.000-08:00

As you can tell from the title... I'm doing the countdown. I only have 15 days until I am done work, too, so that is TOTALLY something that helps me get up in the morning. I have about 30 sticky notes going up one side of my bedroom mirror and down the other of things I need to do still. Bill's present it coming along BEAUTIFULLY. I wish you all could see it. It's my baby- I've put SO much TIME into it. AAAA. I really hope he likes it. The problem is that I am such a bloody perfectionist that if I do something to it that I don't like 100%, it drives me crazy. It might be so insignifcant that no one else would EVER notice, but it drives me MENTAL! That's just how I am. Don't worry, though, I'm not as hard on other people as I am on myself. I don't know who IS, for that matter. My mind and spirit really feel like they are getting ready to go, too. It's like I keep taking the mental "freeze-frames" when I am hanging out with my friends/ family now... do you know what I mean? It's like things that were subconcious before are totally in my head. Like I could describe to you EXACTLY what Bill looks like, or feels like when I close my eyes, even if he's not there. I've got how my mom's eyes sparkle when she's laughing, or her little giggle when she is up to something in my memory, too. I've also got the face that Em gives me when she wants something. Or the the way she puckers up her little lips so much that they almost disappear when she goes to give me a kiss on the cheek. I love having these memories. They give me something to hold onto and stretch across the miles. I'm sure going to miss it here...

Still Sick!

2004-01-26T19:19:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last 3 full days in bed. That's not true... today I moved to my couch, and watched a couple of movies. Thought that I should write something, although there is truely nothing to write about. I was talking to a friend of mine who is going to be going to London (England), in July, and there is a possiblity now that I might be able to meet up with her! How exciting! I would LOVE to travel around Europe a little more, but being so young and alone over there, I am quite hesitant. But now I will have somewhere to stay for a bit! Anyway, nothing is definite, I am just sharing my excitement. I have to go back to work tomorrow... I still feel pretty sick, but I've only got 24 more days left until I am finished there. I can't wait. I think that I will go and watch another movie... such is my existence right now until I can scrape myself out of bed and throw myself back into the real world. Hmm... how appealing, Liv...

Sick

2004-01-25T10:43:00.000-08:00

I have the flu! It sucks! I've had to miss 2 days at work... so I've been working on my present for Billy (it's coming along quite nicely), reading, watching the odd movie, and SLEEPING. I'm at Em's right now... I slept over here last night, because my house was feeling pretty empty and I didn't really feel like being alone. Things have been pretty busy lately. I am still feeling like my head is spinning, which is why I think I got the flu. I could feel it coming on for a few days, and then BAM! It smoked me like a salmon. Everything hurts. Anyway... my head is pretty cloudy right now, soI am going to go home and take a gravol and hopefully sleep some more.

A Little Update

2004-01-22T19:13:00.000-08:00

Hey, first of all, I would like to thank ALL OF YOU for sticking with me the last little while (ok, LONG while), as I have not been writing. I guess one excuse is that I have been really busy, but also still feeling really worn out... I booked my plane ticket yesterday for early March. I am SOOO excited. It's finally getting close. I still have so much I have to do before I go, and so I am feeling that sort of under-lying-stressed-out-ness. You know? Me and Bill's one year anniversary is coming up really soon (in like a month and a half), and so I have been working like crazy to get his present done. I'm done work in 26 days, and so that's really something to get excited about. I wake up everyday and it is SO hard to get out of bed. But I do it and keep telling myself that it's almost over. Oh, something else cool: I got my braces off yesterday... I had them for 4 years. They were only on my top teeth, but it's still really cool to have them off. So I think that I am going to go now... My mom is away for a couple nights, and usually my house is SO clean when she is gone... but it's like a BOMB, and I can't STAND it! So I will write more later...

Time Flies

2004-01-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

Time is flying out the window for me... I feel like I just blogged yesterday, but that was 3 days ago already! I'm backsliding. LOL. Soooo what have I been up to? Reading (I finished The Fisherman's Lady, that I was telling you about, and now I've started the sequel, The Marquis Secret), sleeping, WORKING LIKE CRAZY, annnnd, doing a TOP-SECRET present for Billy for our One-Year anniversary that is coming up in about a month and a half. I figured I'd get started on it, because it's going to take awhile. Sorry, can't say what it is... he's a sneaky boy, and he reads my blog and I don't want him to find out! I'll tell you what it is after I give it to him. Oh, and I don't have any deep thoughts today. There's been some cool AND tough stuff that's been going on for me lately, and I would LOVE to blog about it... just not yet. Not today. I'll keep you posted. I'm going to go watch Rainman now, and just take it easy.

I'm leaving on a Jet Plane...

2004-01-15T17:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in about 4 days. My sister tells me that's pretty bad in the Blog World. I just haven't had anything to write about, and I've been sick. I think what a lot of it is that I am just anxious to be getting out out here. I've been having a lot of crazy moods, because I really really want to leave, like NEXT WEEK... but then the next day I get sad, or depressed because I can't even put into words how much I am going to miss those who are close to me. Sometimes I feel like the sunshine is leaving my life... but I am the one who is bringing it on myself by leaving. I know that this is my dream, and I know that I am going to go, and have the most incredibly fun and excitingly memorable time... but who wants to do that without your best buddies? Ok ok... I know I know. (This is the part when I jump up and down and go "Pick me! Pick Me!") Once I get used to it, I'll be fine... I am just STILL adjusting to the idea, even though I've been planning it for a year and a half. I am COMPLETELY unmotivated to go to work right now. You should see me get ready... it's a pitiful sight! lol. Anyway... over the last few days, I've just been writing lists of things I need to do before I leave, getting my working visa ready... things like that. I've been pretty emotional and kinda snappy (to be honest), so I appreciate your prayers for PATIENCE for me! (I'm now a very patient person). So that's it for now. Take care...

Stuff

2004-01-11T15:53:00.000-08:00

Well... I didn't finish my book last night like I'd hoped. We went to Em and Jamie's for an AWESOME dinner, and we watched and old Jerry Seinfeld standup. It was my favorite one. I think it's called "I'm telling you for the last time..." but I'm not sure. Then mom and I came home, and I realized (Horror of Horrors) that I left my book at Em's house. She returned it to me, but I couldn't read that much because it was already getting late, and I was tired. I read alot today, however, and I have about a quarter left. I am taking a break, though, and am going out with Deanna for the evening. Don't know what we're going to do yet, though... but I 'm sure it will be fun. Something wierd, or crazy, or EXTREMELY funny happens to us every time we hang out. Probably because we are wierd, crazy, and extremely funny people.... maybe. Anyway... I know that I haven't really written anything of any substance lately... but I am giving my brain a rest. I am coming to the end of my life as I know it here for awhile (before my trip, that is), and it seems like I've been getting really stressed out over even the littlest things. Also, if you want to know how I am feeling about my spirituality right now, read Em's blog of Spiritual Boot Camp. That pretty much summarizes it... and also adds to my bad mood. SO... maybe I'll try to improve it a little before I go out and read my bible for a bit...

The Fisherman's Lady

2004-01-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

Can't say much tonight... I've got this GREAT book that I am halfway through and I HAVE to finish it! (I'm such a nerd that way). It's called the Fisherman's Lady, by George MacDonald. It was writted in 1875, and orignially called "Malcolm," but was put out again in 1982 with a few changes in some of the wording. MacDonald is a true Scotsman... so there were a lot of phrases like "I dinna ken whaur I come from" (I don't know where I come from), spiced up with a little Gaelic here and then. All in all, it's been an enjoyable read. Romance, mystery, suspense, sorrow... it's got it all. The author is a Christian, but it's not one of those cheezy-lame christain novels (Sorry if that offends). It's got chunks of just GOOD stuff laced through it that makes you think. Let me give you an example of a part that I was reading yesterday...

"But Sir, isn't death a dreadful thing?" asked Malcolm
"That depends on whether a man regards it as his fate or as the will of a perfect God. Its obscurity is its dread. But if God be light, then death itself must be full of splendor- a splendor probably too keen for our eyes to recieve."
"But there's the dying itself; isn't that fearsome? It's that I would be afraid of."
"I don't see why it should be. It's the lack of God that makes it dreadful, and YOU would be greatly to blame for that, Malcolm, if you hadn't found your God by the time you had to die."

Anyway... that's all I'm going to give you for now. I love how it gives history about Glenco, the Highlands, and some surrounding areas in Scotland, because that's where I was last summer (and where I'm going in 2 months), so I've already got the picture in my head. There's a second one in the series called "The Marquis." Hopefully I'll get to that one soon. So that's all for now...

The Big Date

2004-01-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

Ok... so it's not really a big date... but I'm getting dressed up anyway! I loooove getting dressed up. Bill should be off work by now and on his way over here as I type, so I'll just fill you in. Nothing really happened yesterday. I was sick at work, so I took a gravol and BARELY made it through cuz it drugged me harshly. I came home and slept it off, and then rented Uptown Girls with my mom. Em, you're right... it DID brighten my day. It was a really good movie, I recommend it to you all. Today I worked, and now Bill and I are going out to the Big Mall to scope things out a bit. Then out for dinner. Then to a movie... probably Paycheck... I'll let you know how it was! Goodnight everyone. Oh, and I wanted to say thankyou for your responses to my blogs... it really cheers me up when I get little encouraging things from you, or prayers, etc. I love you all... Especially You!

Depressing Day Part 2

2004-01-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry Everyone... but I can't be a ray of sunshine in ANYone's life today... it's pointless to really even blog about it, because I can't give any specifics (again), as to what's going on right now. I'm just sad. So I hope I'll be feeling better in the next couple days or so, and when I am... I'll right some more. Hope you are are doing well...

Depressing Day

2004-01-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

I love music. I can't really play anything, except for my C.D player, and you wouldn't believe my collection. Next to praying, it's one of the first things I reach for after a bad day, or a GOOD day, for that matter. Today was a bad day. Actually, that's not true... it just started sucking from about the time that I got to work at one. (Em, thanx for the pj's! They DID cheer me up, and I am wearing them right now!) So anyway... here is the song that I am listening to right now, and it explains how I feel. It's by 3 Doors Down (my favorite band EVER), and it's from their "Away From the Sun" album... awesome cd! Click here to hear it, then go music, then select "Changes" on the page..

Changes

I'm not supposed to be scared of anything,
But I don't know where I am.
I wish that I could move,
But I'm exhausted
And nobody understands (How I feel).
I'm trying hard to breath now,
But there's no air in my lungs.
There's no one here to talk to,
And the pain inside is making me numb.

(bridge)
Try to hold this under control
They can't help me
Cuz no one knows.
(chorus)
NOW I'M GOING THROUGH CHANGES, CHANGES
GOD I FEEL FRUSTRATED LATELY.
WHEN I GET SUFFOCATED, SAVE ME.
NOW I'M GOING THROUGH CHANGES, CHANGES.

Feeling weak and weary
Walking through this world alone.
Everything they say,
Every word of it
Cuts me to the bone (And I bleed).
Got something to say
But now I've got nowhere to turn,
Feels like I've been buried underneath
All the way to the world.

(bridge)(chorus)

I'M BOUND AND SHAKING
BOUND AND BREAKING,
I HOPE I MAKE IT,
THOUGH ALL THESE CHANGES.

(chorus x2)
And I get suffocated,
I hate this.
And I'm going through changes, changes.

All About Deanna

2004-01-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

I went out with Deanna last night... it was really fun! (By the way... she is the girl on the right in that is in the picture of us going down the right hand side of this site... I am obviously the other one.) We went out at about 4, and then I came home at about 9:30. Em streaked Bill's hair (Looks really good, Em!), while Jamie trying unsuccessfully to teach me how to use my new MP3 player. The only reason that it was unsuccessful was because my computer was totally freaking out.

Back to Deanna. We talked non-stop for 5 and a half hours. We are not giddy-cheer-leader-type-girls-who-laugh-at-everything-you-say-and-are-always-blabbing-on-about-something... but whenever we are together, we tell each other everything. Deanna helps me do a lot of processing over the stuff in my life. We relate on a lot of things, because we are so much alike, but we have just enough of a difference to keep things interesting! We graduated together from the same little school, and we both loved every minute of it. During out grade 12 year, we both starred in the drama play that out school put on (Anne of Green Gables). She was Anne, and I was Diana. It was a BLAST. I've never met someone (besides Bill, and a few family members) that I could have SO MUCH fun with, but still be so serious with at times.

We were always doing crazy things... like both of us moving into my locker, and then using her locker for our backpacks (a little squishy). And then there were these guys that were always picking on us, so one time we took a piece of cow liver from out biology lab and drapped it over the lock on his locker. Then we destractred him while he went to open it and he squeezed is REAL good! The looks on his face was priceless. And then there was this time that we kidnapped one of the guys and tyed him up and threw him into the back of her car and tried to brainwash him. She drove around the parking lot with him while I ran and tried to get ransome money from his best friend. It, like all of our other plans, of couse BACK FIRED, and I got stuck in detention! Oh well... sometimes you gotta take one for the team.

Anyway... I just wanted to tell you all a little about her, and onl t a FRACTION of the silly things we did! She is amazing! I love you, girl!

I Need More Grace

2004-01-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

ERRRRR! What do you do when you are SO frustrated about something, but there is nothing you can do about it? And I mean NOTHING! I can't really say anything other than there is a situation in my life that is driving me absolutely MENTAL, but nothing can be done. I am a very impatient and aggressive person, and I am having a really hard time with all of this. I pray about it all the time, and I KNOW God hears me... but I need so much more grace. I NEED SO MUCH MORE GRACE OR I'M GONNA FLIP! I'm sorry, I know this is all really vague... but I would appreciate your prayers...

Time Waits For No Man

2004-01-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

I have really been thinking a lot lately about the famous quote "Time waits for no man." I've decided that it sucks. Not the quote so much, but more the reality of it. We all have crazy little ideas that we toss around in our heads at any given time of the day, so let me share my theory with you, but first, a little background: I know that all of you can agree with me when I say that we have all had grandmas and old ladys squeezing our cheeks til they are raw and spitting at us that they remember us when we were THIS TALL! (Pointing to some random spot just below their knee). We all of course, prodded by our parents to be POLITE, nod, smile, and inwardly roll out eyes thinking "Get with with, Granny... people generally grow vertically... where have you BEEN?"

The sick part of it is that recently, I have found myself scooping up now 8 or 10-year-olds into my arms and cooing over them with "I held you when you were a BABY! Look how BIG you are now!" Then I put then down, as I recognise that all-too-familiar look of one inwardly rolling their eyes. Am I just turning into MY mother, or has this fawning over the growth and development of children merely hit me prematurely?

So I've decided that Father Time needs to hand over his watch. I'd like to be able to stick around and repeat all the good years that I've had. This past year has been a really tough one for me, but it's been so much FUN! I've learned a lot, and (I'd like to think) really grown as a person. I think that people should be able to hold themselves back a year, and do it all over again... not necessarily the same things (No wierd Time Warp, like in "Groundhog Day"), but the AGE that you were. Like say, I think 20 is looking to be a very promising year for me... maybe once it comes around, I'll want to give it another go!

I guess what I'm trying to say in all this madness is simply that I WISHED Time waited for Men. I am a firm believer that "What doesn't kill you makes you strong" (Or in my darker days "What doesn't kill you makes you want to die"...) and so there will be no skipping of years. One must be forced to serve the duration of each year, and is allowed to put in a bid for a repeat, if he so chooses. No exceptions.

In conclusion, "Time waits for no man" has been my favorite quote lately, as I am hurrying everyone out the door. But as my mother would say "No, Liv... YOU wait for no man!" Alas, perhaps more patience should be my New Years Resolution... but in the meantime, I'll be working on perfecting my theory! Let me know what you think!

It's the Way

2004-01-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share this with you all... just wanted to show you how much billy means to me, and how incredible he is! (I wrote this for him obviously)...

IT'S THE WAY
It’s the way you look at me and for that moment see only me, and nothing else.
It’s the way your whole face lights up the first time that you see me each day.
It’s the way mine does, too.
It’s the way you wrap your arms around me when I am cold.
It’s the kiss you leave on my forehead when you tuck me into bed.
It’s the flowers you bring for me after a bad day.
It’s the way you listen to me tell you every detail of my day.
It’s the way you remember the things I like.
It’s the way you surprise me by buying them for me.
It’s letting me pick the movie we watch, or where we go for dinner.
It’s the way you respect me, appreciate me, and value me.
It’s the way you let me play my music and sing at the top of my lungs in your car.
It’s the way you love me for exactly who I am, and what I look like.
It’s how my body fits together perfectly with yours when we cuddle.
It’s the sweetness and grace you cure my bad moods with.
It’s how you get as excited about things as I do.
It’s your patience as you wait for me to get ready… and wait… and wait…
It’s the acceptance and generosity you extend to people you hardly know.
It’s the way you express yourself openly, honestly, and freely with me and others.
It’s the way you carry me through the snow so that my new shoes don’t get wet.
It’s the way you plan to love me and take care of me for the rest of my life.
It’s the way I think about you all the time when I am not with you.
It’s how I count the hours until I see you again.
It’s the way you tell me how beautiful I am to you everyday.
It’s how you continue to work through the tough things in your life, even though they are so hard.
It’s how you love it when I wear my sparkles.
It’s everything you do that makes up YOU
And that’s why you are mine.

Cold Mountain

2004-01-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

I sit here before you a changed person. I saw Cold Mountain today, with Nicole Kidman and Jude Law. That movie ripped out my heart and has chewing on it all day (pardon my vulgarity). It takes something different to get to everyone. My sister loves the movie “the Hours,” (another Nicole Kidman movie) and yet that film does NOTHING for me. I was left dazed and confused, yet she swears by it. Cold Mountain unlocked something so deep in my soul that I didn’t even know was there… and I am still trying to figure out what it is. I highly recommend this movie, though I doubt I will ever see it again. Is this odd? For me, it was too much of an emotional overload. It was all I could do to stop myself from sobbing uncontrollably during the last 20 minutes of the film. The movie is not for the faint of heart, or weak of stomach… but see it anyway! See it and tell me what you think. For sensitive viewers (such as myself), I will warn you of violence, some nudity, and… a little weirdness. Check out this site if you are interested. I’ll give you a couple days to see it before I give away why I think it affected me that way it did… I don’t want to spoil it for any of you who HATE hearing the ending before you see it! (Like me). But stay tuned to my blog, and I will post more on it later…

God's Love

2004-01-03T18:36:00.000-08:00

Today I just want to talk about God’s love. I have often heard the prayer, “God thank you for your love,” or “Fill me with your love,” and never really thought twice about it… Sure, who wouldn’t want to be filled with (Drum roll) THE LOVE OF GOD? I realize that this is a topic that many people have already explored and talked about, and I am sure that all of you could have an essay on my desk Monday morning FULL of scriptures like “For God so loved the world…” (John 3:16) Now, I am some one who likes to exaggerate a lot… When I have a long nap, I will say that I slept non-stop for 46 hours. When I walked a long way home, I will say that I walked for a billion and a half miles. So when I read the verse from Psalm 35:5 that says, “LORD, your love reaches to the heavens, your loyalty stretches to the skies. Your goodness is as high as the mountains. Your justice is a deep as the great ocean,” I get a picture of what King David was getting at. I can relate to this. Metaphorically speaking, goodness cannot be measured in mountain ranges, no… but THINK how MUCH of it there is! Can you imagine what we would actually be like if God’s Love wasn’t tainted by our sin? There is a song written that is a rendition of this verse. I have been singing it all day, and I can’t stop thinking about it. There is SO much more out there that shows us God’s love that I know that I am going to be thinking about this a lot for quite awhile. Anyway, this just scratches the surface of all the things that I have been thinking about today… but I wanted you all to know where I am at right now. Oh, and for the record… in case you were wondering, this isn’t the first time I’ve thought about all this… it just become more real to me every time I do really think about it.

A Really Good Song

2004-01-02T15:47:00.000-08:00

Here's a song that is really meaning a lot to me right now... I get so frustrated with myself sometimes, because it's so easy to get caught up with myself and MY life... and I just fit God in when I feel like it. This song really takes it back to what it SHOULD be in my life: simple, but real. I'm not a person who thinks you need to kneel to pray, and I'm not a "traditional" christian. I love this song, because it's exactly how I sound when I talk to God... it's not cheezy and filled with "thee's and thou's"... let me know what you think... by the way... i couldn't find the link to the audio version anywhere, but here is their site so you can check it out.

LIFEHOUSE- "Everything"
Find me here
Won't you speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace, again

You are the stength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're Everything

(Chorus)
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

You calm the storms
And you give me breath
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You still my heart
And you take my beath away
Would you take me in
Take me deeper now

Chorus (x2)
CUZ YOURE ALL I WANT
YOU'RE ALL I NEED
YOU'RE EVERYTHING
EVERYTHING
YOU'RE ALL I WANT(x4)
Chorus (x2)

Quick Break

2004-01-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm just on a quick break from work right now... I promise I'll come on here after I get off and tell you all about my New Years! How was yours? Did any of you attempt my Cool New Year's idea? Turns out that I DID make it into the city, and the roads were FINE! Didn't need my idea after all... oh well, I'll save it for a rainy day!

What the...?

2004-01-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time checking my blog today... just seeing if this is working, and i will write more later this afternoon...

Resolutions...

2003-12-31T17:06:00.000-08:00

You know, I've been thinking a lot about New Year's Resolutions... everyone has been asking me about mine, but to be honest, I've always been a little shut down towards the idea. I've seen so many people attempt so many massively outrageous goals only to watch them fall firmly on their buttocks. This year, I have decided to only pick things that I think I can achieve, and by not vowing to lose a good 750 lbs, I will leave the gym to those who think they can. :P I've decided that I am going to say good thoughts about people that I always think, but never make the conscious effort to say them out loud. I got this idea from a good friend at work, and it worked out beautifully when I complemented a woman on the GORGEUS shade of her red sweater. I swear that she was GLOWING when she turned around and walked away from me. Not that I never compliment people... but it's also saying the little things to people that you don't even know... so that's going to be one of the things I am going to do: relavent AND achievable. I'll let you know if I come up with anything else...by the way... what are yours?

Writer's Blog

2003-12-31T16:44:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a bit of debating on whether to give you all a little more background on myself, or to jump right in with both feet. If you have any specific questions you want to ask me about myself, my life, or whatever... feel free! Whatever I don't cover in the next blog or so will, I am sure, come out in the long run.

A Cool New Year's Idea

2003-12-31T15:35:00.000-08:00

Call me crazy... but I COMPLETELY forgot about New Year's this year. Not that it's really all THAT big of a deal or anything... but it's nice to stay out late as long as I can without slamming back 9 double-shot cappuchinos. As a last minute plan, Bill and I were supposed to head into the city and hang out there for the evening. My Dad lives out there, so we probably would have crashed his party and demanded room and board. HOWEVER, like many of the other soggy people in this town, I find myself stranded with very few options (due to the snow, of course). I spent a long day at work... and here's what I came up with to add the last little bit of cheer to this year. Give it a shot if you don't have any other plans for tonight, and let me know how it goes!

*You can use this on a friend/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ husband/ wife... whoever*

Take around, say 5 envelopes...

*On the first one, write FOOD- on little cut out pieces of paper in the shape of hearts (or whatever floats your boat) list a favorite restaurant that the two of you share on each one. Or, you could be more specific and list certain FOODS in particular you want to eat there. (You could also list foods that you could make together- eg. mashed potatoes and chicken... cookies...)

*On the second one, write MOVIES- and list one each one all the movies that are either playing right now, or that you are interested in seeing. If you are a little short on the fundage, you can list movies that you want to rent instead.

*On the third one, write THINGS TO DO- and list little things like a walk through your favorite park, or playing cards, or making a snowman, playing pool, or having a snowball fight... or giving each other a massage (depending on your relationship with each other...).

*On the fourth one, write either DRINKS, or DESSERTS- list all the places you could go for either one, or stay at home and mix your own... or go to Starbucks and grab a Caramel Macchiado (sp?). Make it affordable- go to Dairy Queen and get a blizzard...?

Ok so hold onto that fifth envelope for now because I'm running out of ideas... I am quite sure that I am not the first one to come up with this idea, but it just kind of smoked me like a salmon right out of left field, so I thought I would share it with you... the whole idea of it is to make it a fun and unpredictable night. So what is supposed to happen (if you haven't got it yet), is for you to have the person that you are doing this for to pick one from each envelope in whichever order you decide on. If you finish early, have them pick another one from THINGS TO DO.

Have an incredible New Years, and let me know how it goes!

Rise and Shine

2003-12-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

mmm... just woke up. em and i were up late last night getting most of my blog set up. i was a little nervous at the idea of posting things about myself that anyone could read... but i think i'm really going to like it. i've never written in a diary, but i guess you could say i've kept a lot of journals... i write a lot of poetry to express how i feel... i think it's just going to take me a little while to get used to posting it, so bear with me. i'm pretty new at this whole thing...

A little about Me

2003-12-28T23:22:00.000-08:00

I'm here at sister Em's house (check out her blog- it's really cool!) and she helped make all of this possible for me. Thanks Em, for spending so much time helping me get everything just right... I really apreciate it. Em suggested that I write a longer blog so that I can see how it lays out on the page (we're still doing a bit of planning)... so I'll do a little intoduction to myself. My full name is Livia Paige Kosub, but everyone calls me Liv. I just graduated from a very cute little private Christian academy in my city, and I have a boyfriend named Billy whom I am MADLY in love with. xoxoxo. I'm currently living at home, but I am leaving for Scotland in March, where I will stay for about 6 months. (I'll write more on this later). I love my family and my friends with all my heart, and dont worry- they too will be mentioned later on! I love God, and He's probably the reason that I started this blogging in the first place... to process some of the things in my life. If you haven't noticed by now... I love the color PINK! I love wearing sparkles, and I love rubber duckies. I want to get a kitty SO bad, but Billy, says I have to wait until we get married and move out... but I really want one! My best friend is Deanna... her and I are SO much alike it's insane... but we remain best friends never-the-less. Have you ever had someone who knows absolutely EVERY single thing about you? That's Deanna. She is a beautiful work of art. I meantioned my boyfriend Billy, above... he's the sun in my cloudy sky. He is the most amazing guy who is different from anyone else I have ever met. Anyway... I'd better go.. I'm going to head into the city today and do a bit of Boxing Day shopping. At least there won't be as many people out there today...